One of the most irritating things about the corporate culture is the jargons some people use. They seem to think somehow using the words ‘actionable’ and ‘incorporate’ or some other pompous word is supposed to make people take them seriously and what I find worse, people reacting to it as if they were Moses listening to God. Maybe it is just me. You must be speaking a language they secretly train all MBA students. I must have bunked the class or slept off when they taught that one, because it sounds as strange to me as Greek. If you are anyways going to speak a foreign language, I prefer Greek than what you speak now, as Greek is so much cooler. Or even better, can you give the presentation in Italian? Wow, you would definitely have all my attention as I always wanted to learn Italian, and this could be a great start for that!
Here are a few of corporate jargons I have heard at my workplaces, some of them would have been real funny if it weren’t so annoying!
So N, what are you bringing to the table? Me: Oh, that would depend on what you are bringing to the table, I am not a big fan of eating with hands in front of others unless it is a yumm south Indian lunch served in banana leaves, so I have to choose what I bring to the table (the right cutlery, I don’t want to end up eating noodles with a spoon) depending on what you are bringing to the table. Thanks. I hope you were not expecting me to cook something and bring to the table!
Centres of excellence – I honestly have no clue what that means and not even enough to trigger my imagination. This is what you should consider translating to Italian.
N, let us close the loop on that one! Me: Errmm, I am sorry I don’t knit. In my defence it was not mentioned in the job profile, or I would have told you so much earlier!
Deliverables – sheesh, these just bring to my mind pictures of women in labour rooms! Italian, Greek, French, nothing can save this term. It should be abolished with immediate effect!
Be Proactive, not reactive! - Don’t worry, I won’t react to whatever you are saying right now, one needs to comprehend something to react - you got half of what you wanted. Good job!
Cultivate – Excuse me, my mind is NOT some fresh patch of soil or your Facebook farm for cultivating funny habits or culture or any other form of behaviour. In case you refuse to believe so, consider me an active volcanic land, which can’t be used for any form of cultivation!
Push the envelope – Oh, I didn’t realise I was recruited for the mail man’s post!
Touch base – You must be a wannabe American type. I love to be Indian and so I don’t follow baseball.
Core Competencies – Grrr... Thats enough!
So Thesaurus Dude, when you do this you remind me of one episode from Friends, when Joey wants to write something good about his friends Chandler and Monica and writes “they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps” for “they are warm, nice, people with big hearts”. Well, Joey was good looking so he could get away with it. Even good looks can’t save you, Mr. Dumb pretending to be smart!
